Me Against Food: Finding Freedom

“You’re only 5’1″ and you weigh more than her.”

“Your legs are too big. You won’t look good in those shorts.”

“You better run off that food today.”

Every. Single. Day. These were the thoughts that wholly consumed my being. Saying these things to anybody else was something that I could never even imagine doing. However, when it came to myself, I had no problem holding back these disgusting, pernicious words.

In the January of 2017, I decided that I was going to “be healthy.” To me, this meant running at least two miles everyday, and wanting to stab myself in the gut whenever I ate anything with a hint of processed sugar. As my movement to “health” became more widely recognized by my peers, I became consumed with the concept of clean eating and exercising. I wanted it to become my identifying factor.

I’m sure you can see how things went downhill.

I became legitimately angry at myself when I missed the gym. I would scream at my mom whenever she would try to feed me something delicious but had too many carbs. My stomach would churn and flip whenever I ate something I deemed as unhealthy. My life was quickly spiraling out of my control, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

I became a slave to my demons. No one really knew what was going on, because I privately culminated in these self-deprecating thoughts. I pretended to be the “health queen” that I was claiming to be, enjoying a cookie when I wanted to, missing a workout when I needed to. But in reality, I was so far from that.

I wanted to be the pretty, perfect, skinny girls I saw in my Instagram page. It seemed like they just had it all.

I don’t know exactly when I changed, but one day, all the toxic accounts were gone from my feed. My feed wasn’t full of people drooling over a skinny girl, wishing for her body. I followed inspiring women of all shapes and sizes who loved themselves and the things their body could do. I followed communities of people who supported and celebrated each other. Their posts helped me to see that I was not alone in my struggle.

The only thing that was holding me back in my destructive lifestyle was myself. I was the toxic fire that I kept throwing myself back into. “You look so good,” I would comment while wishing I could look like that. “Ugh, I wish I had your body,” I would say to my friends. That is a dangerous game. Without even realizing it, I may have been perpetuating unhealthy eating habits, excessive exercise, obsession with body image, and the list goes on. I definitely did so for myself.

Another person’s beauty is not the absence of your own.

It was only in the course of the past six months that I transformed my mental state. It wasn’t one experience that kickstarted my change. Maybe it was because I started to understand what it meant to be a beloved child of God. Because I finally decided to surround myself with people who unconditionally loved and supported me. Or that I stopped caring about what I looked like because I was actually getting stronger. I stopped talking about what other girls’ bodies looked like, and instead appreciated all the things their bodies were doing. A combination of these factors and so many more, so many that I’m probably not even conscious of them all, truly changed my life.

I didn’t feel the constant need to burn off the calories of my meal, or skip out on certain opportunities so I could eat healthy. That doesn’t mean I have not and will not struggle further in these thoughts, but I can say for sure that these demons cannot control me anymore.

My relationship to food no longer became a matter of proving myself to others, but my journey to knowing and loving my body and what makes me feel good.

I came to see that food also fosters healthy relationships. Enjoy the times that you go out for ice cream with your family, or try that new Korean BBQ place with that girl in your English class. It is a privilege to be able to share these special experiences with people. God put us exactly where we are with who we are. To even have the choice of enjoying such amazing food is a blessing that too many of us take for granted. You don’t have to “run off that cookie” or hate yourself for “cheating on healthy eating.”

And just like too much unhealthy food is detrimental, I came to understand there is also such a thing as “too much” healthy food.

B A L A N C E.

Health comes in balance. Eat well in proportions that makes you feel good and work out because you care about your body and want to honor the intricate handiwork of God. Eat good because you are more than your body. You are your mind, your experiences, and the relationships you make. You are so much more than you make yourself to be.

“Her life changed the day that she saw herself as valuable as she saw everyone else to be.”

Happy (almost) Body Positivity Week 🙂

xo,

Karis